The Cult of Mine

We've seen it before. A child plays with a toy, another child approaches and suddenly the first child proclaims ownership of the toy in a decisive manner (MINE!). It's a common and embarrassing problem for any parent: when they see that their child does not know how to share. What is the cause of this selfish behavior and how can it be corrected?

According to Lynne Namka, Doctor of Education, selfish behavior can be a phase that children grow out of when they get older. It is natural for a 2-3 year old to be selfish because they get attention by crying and they see the world as a place that provides for them whenever they need something. This behavior can carry over into the teenage years if not addressed early on in childhood.

David Foster Wallace, PhD, posits that as humans we are "hard-wired" to think of ourselves as being at the center of the universe; every experience we have happens to us and it it because of this that are feelings seem more real and urgent. Wallace argues that the term "well-adjusted" is not accidental, that are default hard wiring is too be self-centered. It is up to parents to make this adjustment.

One solution is to lead by example: share with your child and when they refuse to share do the same to them so they understand how it feels to be left out. It's not a fun experience for either parent or child, but it is necessary. Another answer is to make sure your child has an appropriate level of attention, too little can create an inferiority complex that morphs into narcissistic behavior. If your child feels constantly neglected he/she can feel that they are owed something. Lynne Namka recommends counseling a self-absorbed child in these areas:

• Learning to follow directions and take in information instead of going to instant debate
• Delaying gratification and learning to inhibit impulsive actions
• Learning to separate the big deals from the little deals and let go of the small injustices of life.
• Learning to state boundaries and allow others their boundaries
• Dealing with frustrations in socially acceptable ways
• Reinforcing his own self when behavior is appropriate
• Becoming his own coach and cheerleader for making good choices
• Viewing others with empathy and seeing things from their point of view
• Develop a healthy type of narcissism based on the balance between giving and receiving

For Lynne's full article, go here.